Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Sunday, August 12, 2007 - Day 52

Distance traveled - 0 miles

All I wanted today was a fucking companion. I woke up and it was raining, so I stayed in my hammock for a little while. It wasn't raining hard, just a light sprinkle, but the trees would release some big, fat drops every now and then. I found that my hammock is not a very good rain guard. The rainfly is a good cover and keeps the rain from falling on the hammock, but it also collects humidity on the underside and drips it down sometimes. Also, the underside of the hammock is not at all water resistant. It picks up humidity and picked up some rain last night that dripped off the rainfly. The moisture soaked through and wet my sleeping bag and pillow and sleeping pad. Here comes the mildew.

I had to find some shelter to cook my breakfast, so I went under this large gazebo picnic area. It is a reserved area and this morning a group was having a church service there. They let me stay there and eat while they did their thing. I just sat and read with my back to them. I couldn't help but listen in on some of the service and, unfortunately, make judgements. Now I'm not religious, and I try hard these days to not pass judgement on other people's beliefs. I used to do that a lot. But as I sat and heard some of it, I thought about one thing more than anything else - isolationism. For the most part I believe that everyone has their own way of processing the world and figuring things out. I believe that it takes some kind of system to comprehend and process the trials and tribulations of life. Some turn to organized religion, others look for it in themselves, and others turn to other forms of spirituality. Personally, I tried religion for a while, namely Christianity. I tried really hard to be a believer, to have the faith, and for a while I think I really convinced myself that I had it. Deep down, however, I knew all along that I didn't believe it. It never made sense to me. It wasn't until around the time that my mom died, starting just before, but definitely stronger afterwards, that I really gave up on it. It didn't answer the questions I had, and I found the idea that you just have to believe that it's god's plan a poor excuse for anything. For me, that didn't help me deal with my personal issues, and I started seeing a lot of hypocrisy in it.

Since then I have been on my own path to understanding the world around me, human interactions, life and loss, and how it all affects me personally. It has been tough, but I have really figured a lot out for myself. I still have so much more to learn, but I just kind of take things on as they come to me, borrowing here and there from various philosophies that really make sense to me, and learning from people that I admire. So far it has really worked out well for me. I do understand, however, that it's not the path for everyone. I think the important thing to remember is that, no matter what our religion or personal philosophies, we are all dealing with the same issues, we all seek to understand the same phenomena of life, love, and death. We all look for purpose and our own niche in the world. Some tend to think more about the afterlife, should one exist, than some others, but the basics of what we must face are here, in front of us every day. No one can escape that. So when the preacher was talking about Christians and singing songs about how one day everyone will believe in the word, but for now they must be happy that they believe the word and talking about a separation between Christians and non-Christians, it made me a bit angry. It reminded me of sermons I have heard about Christians having to be strong and rely on their faith even when they are challenged or ridiculed by non-believers. I don't like this kind of talk of separation, of creating factions and tensions where there really aren't necessarily any. Why create this kind of defensive atmosphere? I just hate the idea that a religion has to be so absolute. I think it's absurd. I mean, really, who are any of these self-righteous people to assert that they know more truth about the world than anyone else!

We all have different perspectives and circumstances and experiences, and these differences create variable views on the world. For someone to tell me that they know more than me about the afterlife or the creation of the world is like me telling you that my great-great-grandfather could beat up your great-great-grandfather. I mean, really, no one has seen the afterlife and no one saw creation, so who cares. Whatever happens will happen. The most important issue to deal with now is the present. We are all humans, all mammals, we all breathe, shit, fuck, and die. We might as well see that for what it is and realize that we're all the same in that way.

I just look at my bike ride as an example. I have met many other people on this journey, making similar expeditions of their own. There are so many people biking down the coast during the summer, but their reasons for doing it are often completely different than mine, and thus their paths are completely different. My journey is largely about self-discovery. I needed to get away from the stress and anxiety of big city life after college. I needed time to think, to write, to process. I also don't have very much money, when I do have money at all. That dictates a lot of the direction that my trip takes as well. But along the way I have met people that do this because it's fun, it's a great way to see the coast, some want the challenge of biking a great distance, some are moving from one place to another, some are taking really short trips, other are taking long expeditions that make mine look like an easy vacation. Some people camp every single night, others take breaks in hotel rooms. I've met people that ride only 30 miles a day, and I met a guy that rides at least 90 miles every day. For every person, they have different backgrounds coming into their rides, they have different reasons for making the ride, and they have different paths for completing their rides. Everyone does what fits for themselves, and that's how it should be.

Well, I knew it was going to come to this at some point. I guess it was just waiting for the right stimulus. I'd like to move on now, back to what really matters -me.

I'm feeling really lonely today. I don't want to be alone. I want a close friend here to sit with me, to have a drink with me. Talking to P.D. the other day, he mentioned how he felt when he woke up and realized that it was Friday. He said the realization was like waking up and remembering that there was someone sleeping next to you, a warmth right there in your bed. I have thought about that kind of feeling more than once on this trip, waking up alone in my hammock, but especially today, with the conversation so fresh in my mind, and with the fucking rain, and the depression I have been suffering the last few days. I long for comfort, the kind of comfort that comes from a friend in close proximity, someone that can share the undesireable situation and laugh with you about it.

I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts, so I picked up my phone. It's the next best thing I have, I suppose. At least it's interaction with a friend, even if it's not in person. It's nice to get some stuff off my chest other than on paper. Also, even though I may call someone really depressed, feeling down on myself and my situation, some shared laughter is always welcomed medicine.

I took a shower today to give me something to do to get out of the rain. I also made friends with some other bikers. That was nice, to talk to someone in person, talk about the rain, and how much it sucks sometimes. Hopefully it's not going to rain tomorrow. I really want to keep riding. I wanted to ride today, but I washed my biking shirt last night and it wasn't dry today. I guess that's a good thing. I feel like riding because I want the escape, I think. For some reason I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts today. It's only just after 6 right now. It doesn't seem to be raining anymore for the moment, so I'm going to cook some food and maybe do some thinking, maybe make some more phone calls. Maybe I'll write a much-needed letter. I'm glad I don't have any beer right now.

Update: It's now just before 8. The rain has let up, the sky is clearing, I have had an amazing conversation with Betsy, and now there is going to be a beautiful sunset. I'm not sure if it's going to rain tonight, but I've got at least until dark, it's looking like. That's all I can ask for right now. I am smiling. I really wish I had a beer.



twilight


















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